


Do you ever really crash?

by barakastiel



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe, Anxiety, Connor Isnt Magically Cured, Depression, Drugs, Friends to Lovers, Gay, Hospitals, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Marijuana, Mental Health Issues, Overdosing, Pills, Recreational Drug Use, Slow Burn, Suicide Attempt, Tree Bros, actually idk if there will be graphic violence but incase, anger issues, but hes trying, but hes trying i promsie, he still mad an violent
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-19
Updated: 2017-07-27
Packaged: 2018-12-04 03:15:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11546340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/barakastiel/pseuds/barakastiel
Summary: AU where Connor Murphy attempts suicide, and Evan Hansen is volunteering at his mom's job for service hours.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lsiten,,, this is the first proper thing i have written in like a hundred yrs so plz... anyways !! evan is doing a hospital-volunteer thingy which is mostly for ppl who like. actualy wants to be nurses but AAAA they did it at my school/hospital so i have faith.... see u on the flip side

“B-but, like, he’ll be okay, r-right? He won’t- he’ll be okay?”

Evan Hansen’s voice was the last thing Connor expected to hear when he woke up. If he woke up. Which, he shouldn’t have. Yesterday- Was it yesterday? Connor glanced around the room, narrowing his eyes at the pristine white floor, as if it could cower away. He moved his arms experimentally, before looking at his wrist. He had several things hooked up to him, including what he could only assume was a breathing tube? How fantastic. Now he couldn’t even breathe properly. If he was going to be left alive, could it at least not be harder than it already was?

Connor looked over at the open door, squinting to see better. There was Evan- Evan, who he never talked to in his entire life. He’d seen him around, mostly with the biggest dick of them all, Jared. Evan was scared of Connor, he could tell. By the way he looked at him in the halls, tried to usher Jared away as to avoid conflict. So, it made no fucking sense to see the boy standing outside his hospital room. There was a blonde woman, a nurse, talking to him. “Honey, he’s stable for now, and that’s where we’re at. As long as he keeps improving, it’ll be okay.” She brushed over Evan’s hair, kissing his forehead.

Great. Evan Hansen’s mom was a fucking nurse, and now he could tell everybody how he was literally the edgy, suicidal psychopath everyone pinned him to be. He attempted to sigh dramatically, which, was apparently too much for him, because he began coughing and sputtering. Unsurprisingly, the more he coughed, the harder breathing was, and the more he coughed. 

It only took a few seconds before the nurse was at his bed, attempting to comfort him as she fiddled with the tubes connected to him. It didn’t take long for him to calm down, mentally sighing as hard as his mind would let him. “Oh, my goodness! You’re awake?” Connor stared at her, shrugging slightly. She talked to him for a moment, most of which he zoned out for, before she left. He vaguely remembered something about getting the doctor, which, seemed fairly likely. But unfavorable. He glanced over at the door, seeing Evan standing by it. “Um, h-hi, Connor, I’m Evan- I don’t know if you like, knew that, I mean- why would you? Oh! And it’s t-totally not weird I know your name, like, I don’t-don’t stalk you or anything like, creepy, I just, my mom- She- She works here, and, so..”

Connor couldn’t help but roll his eyes, before really studying the boy. The first thing he noticed, was the big, clunky cast. The white contrasted his outfit. He was wearing a blue nurse’s outfit, unlike his mothers, but very much so like the stereotypical ones on television. Which, confused him, because he obviously couldn’t have been out long enough for Evan to go to, and graduate college. Especially to be a nurse. “What’re you even doing here?” Connor was taken aback by his voice, and by the looks of it, Evan was too. He hadn’t meant to be particularly quiet, but it came out almost like a mumble. It was semi-muffled, by both the strain of talking (which was increased tenfold with a giant fucking tube in his mouth), and by the gross noise the tube had made. 

Evan cleared his throat, looking down as he fiddled with the hem of the shirt. “W-well, like, it’s still Summer, and, there’s a like, st-student volunteer program. And, my mom, said it would be g-good for college. So, I, um, I’m here?” His eyes moved up to Connor, before down at the floor. “We aren’t- aren’t allowed, in ICU, really, but, my mom told me about you, and, I j-just, wanted to make sure. You were okay, I mean, and like, yeah. She t-took me.” 

Evan was at the end of the volunteer program, and thus far, it had been pretty boring. But, service hours were service hours. They mostly helped with the small cases. Stomach pain, concussions, things like that. The ICU was essentially banned, and for good reason. Evan had only been up here twice (yesterday and today), and he’d already had his heartbroken by sad stories hundreds of times.

Connor was about to answer, before what he could only assume to be the doctor came in, and Evan’s mom took him out into the hall. Through their conversation, Connor learned a couple things. He had been unconscious for three days, his breathing was fucked up because his nervous system was depressed (ironically enough), and that if all went well, he could be off the breathing machine within two or so days. He was quizzed on his name, the year, and all that stuff to make sure he wasn’t too fucked up, before the doctor got a different nurse to take his blood pressure.

It was a good twenty minutes of being fiddled with before he was left alone, and god, was he glad. He couldn’t be snarky or hardly talk at all with the device in his mouth, and even what noises he managed hurt his upper chest and throat. Even though he had been unconscious for three days, he was still tired as hell. It didn’t take long for him to fall asleep, and he slept through all of the afternoon, and most of the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thnk u for reading!! sorry this was short but i had more, but it felt too cramped for one chapter bleh. pls leave me feedback/criticism, just dont be mean to me or ill die,, but i do appreciate real help!! pls give me a kudos if u liked it it really truly motivates me to write more!!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was fun to write even tho its a mess ;_;

Three days. 

That’s how long it took for the breathing tube to be removed, Connor to be allowed to get up and actually walk, and for Evan to come back. Connor glared over at him when he heard steps, half-expecting either a nurse, or his mother. His eyes narrowed slightly, first at Evan, before down at the sickeningly pink flowers. “What are those?” He said, his voice sounding much more clear, more confident than the last time Evan had heard it. “Oh, they’re daisies, but, not like- Not normal daisies, obviously, b-because they’re pink, but, they’re um, gerbera daisies. They mean get well, I think?” He nodded, setting them on the side table. “Yeah, because some flowers are going to keep me from having heart failure.” “Y-you have heart failure?!” 

Connor sighed, looking at him still. “No, I don’t have fucking heart failure. Why do you even care, anyway? I get it, if this is some kind of guilt-redemption thing, but you can just piss off. You’re scared of me. Or, am I just so fucking delightful, you got me flowers, huh?” Evan frowned, shaking his head. “See, but, that’s not- that’s not true. I m-mean, you can be kind of scary and I have been worried you would punch me, yes, but that’s, not why I’m here.” He looked at Connor, before down at the side of the bed. “And that’s not why I got you flowers. I mean- Not because you’re not d-delightful, or anything, but, I got them because I want you to get better. See, that’s why they’re, um- the uh, gerbera daisies.” He nodded, attempting to smile before Connor’s semi-frown caused him to glance away yet again. “I’m sorry, this was a stupid idea.” He mumbled slightly, his cheeks flushing.

“Why’s it stupid? Because I’m just a lost cause?” Connor raised an eyebrow, and Evan looked up at him, his eyes slightly wide. “W-what? No, I- Why would you say that?” Connor scoffed at that, shaking his head as he looked down at his lap. “You just, don’t even know me. At all, dude.” Evan frowned more, shook his own head. Why was he supposed to feel bad? For worrying about someone? He didn’t really know exactly what he did to piss off Connor Murphy, and normally, just that thought would make him sick to his stomach. But these circumstances were worse. Evan felt nauseous. “I-I’m sorry? I just- I know, you go to my school and, um, you were- Were in my history class last year. A-and sophomore year.. You, um, you did that project? The one about 90’s subculture? A-and you liked it, because there was a lot of punk music, but not like, ‘poser’ punk music, l-like, the punk music where people actually knew their songs and didn’t wear the shirts without listening to them because that is like, so annoying, and I don’t really know why it’s annoying but you think so, so it’s obviously like, super annoying.” He nodded frantically, finding it easy to look at Connor when the other boy was looking away. He quickly moved his eyes back down to the floor when the boy moved his head, though.

Connor was pretty sure Evan Hansen was either a creepy ass stalker, or, the much more likely option, really cared about school and that explains it. The project was simple. Each person got a different time period, a different range of pop culture. Honestly, who didn’t expect Connor Murphy, the kid who wore his Nirvana hoodie for five days straight before his mom finally got him to let her wash it, to pick the 90’s? He wasn’t positive, but it seemed pretty possible that they had to have some notes on the presentations, and that was probably the only reason Evan remember any of that. It didn’t matter if Evan enjoyed it enough to recall his opinions, because Connor got a D. But that wasn’t the point.

:”You got me flowers, because you felt bad I tried to kill myself, and the only thing you know about me is the project I did because of punk music?” Connor rolled his eyes, but afterwards, kept them glued on Evan. “N-no! I mean- Okay, I see why it like, completely sounds like that, but I don’t- What exactly do you think I’m guilty for? I just, I don’t- I don’t get it?” Evan’s eyes were blue, and honestly, looked like they were filled to the brim with tears. It didn’t really bother Connor. If he wanted to cry over something as stupid as being accused of feeling guilty, then it was more trouble than it was worth in the first place. “Your arm’s broken.” Captain fucking obvious, here. The blonde glanced down at his arm, nodding slowly. “Oh.. yeah. It is.” “Well.. How’d you break it?” 

“Well, um, I was climbing a tree, and I, uh, I fell, so..” Evan swallowed harshly, nodding slightly. “That’s the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.” The boy snorted slightly, and Evan felt a bit relieved, despite the slight teasing. He could manage with that. “Yeah. I guess so.” There wasn’t a way to say anything to this kid, and not feel like you just kicked a newborn puppy. He constantly looked like he would burst into tears at a moment's notice. It wasn’t even a just now, during this ‘confrontation’ sort of thing. He just always looked like a scolded child. Connor felt a little bad for him, actually, before he decided that was unwarranted. “Okay, Evan. You broke your arm. Did I bring you flowers?” Evan was going to explode. Into a million pieces. He supposed the hospital was the best place for this to occur, but, still. “Um, no. You’re right, I’m sorry- I told you, it was s-stupid.” He shook his head, closing his eyes. He hated the way Connor spoke, the way he went slowly, as if Evan was five years old and couldn’t comprehend a simple sentence. “I j-just want you to not die.”

Connor sighed dramatically after letting that sentence process, leaning back in the bed. “Do you have a sharpie?” Evan opened his eyes, looking around the room. He settled for a dry erase marker from Connor’s chart on the wall, walking over and bringing it to him. “Um, why, did you need this, exactly?” His question was answered when Connor pulled his bad arm towards him, causin Evan to wince. “Ow.” He hissed lowly, and he was pretty sure the other boy mumbled a ‘sorry’ as he scrawled out ‘CONNOR’, in big, scribbly letters on his arm. “Oh. Great, thanks..” He stared down at it, dumbfounded. Connor had a weird way of expressing how he felt. “Yeah, well, now we’re even.” “Um, even..?” He nodded, looking up at the blonde boy. 

“You gave me pity flowers. I pity signed your cast. Now we’re even, and we can both pretend we have friends who care about us.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaa thnk u for reading!! im sorry if this is very bad im getting back into the swing of writing? if i stay motivated (LOL) updates may vary from once a day to every 2 or 3 days? idk. im soz... i may space it out to once or twice a week just so it doesnt loose suspense but nothing is very suspenseful rn anyway. leave me comments about ur thoughts or any ideas! tysm for reading ♥♥


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: ill updates every other day or so!  
> also me: doesnt update for like a week

Evan fumbled his way through apologizing, attempting to leave before being caught in another apology, and then actually leaving. It was hard to detect when Connor’s sarcasm ended and his real emotions began. He still wasn’t completely sure on everything, but Connor didn’t seem to mind too much when he left, so he figured it couldn’t be too bad. Of course, he hadn’t had a proper conversation with him that lasted more than a minute, so he didn’t know him too well. But, from what violent and loud outbursts he had witnessed/heard about, it seemed as if Connor wore his heart on his sleeve.

Evan was interrupted by a woman stopping him, assumably because he was wearing the stereotypical blue scrubs and she probably needed some like, really important help finding her husband who was in a totally tragic, and probably fatal accident, and then Evan would have to explain he wasn’t a real nurse, that he didn’t really work here and he was so, so incredibly sorry. “Oh, my god, did Connor sign this? My Connor Murphy?” She looked like a cross of happiness, and.. Relief? “W-what?” The woman’s smile fell, before she shook her head.” I know, I know, Connor isn’t exactly an uncommon name. I just, I thought.. Nevermind. I’m sorry I bothered you-” “N-no! I mean, yes, Connor, he uh- He signed this, yes.” Evan nodded several times, leaning away from her slightly. “I’m sorry, I should’ve b-been more clear.. Are you, um- Are you his mom?”

Evan wasn’t sure how it was possible, but by the end of their conversation, he was more anxious than before. Including when he went to see Connor. He may, or may not have- it’s totally hypothetical- told Connor’s mom they were friends. But it wasn’t like he willingly lied! She saw his cast, and he couldn’t exactly just say “oh yeah, I’ve never spoken to him before and I think he hates me, but I brought him flowers anyway and he seemed upset but still signed my cast but we are not at all friends in anyway”. It made her seem calm to hear they were friends. He didn’t want to take that away from her. He was just nervous she would mention it to Connor, and he would tell her the truth and then his mom would spread the word that Evan Hansen is a dirty, no good liar.

 

A week passed before Evan heard news Connor was leaving the hospital. Nobody had confronted him about his lying, and Connor was getting better, and it made him feel content. He wasn’t overjoyed or anything, but Connor was alive, and that was good in itself. He peeked his head in the room, seeing Connor’s mom by the bed. He planned on leaving and waiting, but she saw him, and called him into the room. “Oh, Evan! It’s so nice of you to come by and see Connor again.” She smiled warmly, before looking down at the other. “Isn’t it, Connor?” “Yeah, mom. Can’t you tell I’m ecstatic?” His mother looked at him scoldingly, before back at Evan. “I’ll give you two time to talk, then. It’s nice to see you, Evan.” She smiled at him, before leaving.

Evan wasn’t positive why, but his cheeks were flushed, and remained like this for almost the entire duration of his visit. “Why the fuck did you tell my mom we were ‘friends’?” Evan sighed quietly, looking at his feet as he fiddled with his shirt hem. “I just, she saw me in the hall and she, she asked. I d-didn’t know how to um, tell her that we, uh, aren’t friends..? U-unless you think we are! I mean, I don’t mind or anything but I c-can’t really tell if you hate me or not, so, uh, yeah.” He heard Connor sigh, and inwardly winced. He was annoying the boy who tried to kill himself. How much of an asshole could you be? “I said we could /pretend/ to be each others friends. Now I either have to disappoint my mom more, or pretend like we’re some sort of best friends who, oh yeah mom, I’ve never mentioned in my entire life. Jesus Christ.” Evan frowned, taking a step towards the counter. “I-I’m sorry, Connor. I didn’t want to lie to her, I just- She looked really, um, really happy? And I thought, it was something she needed. T-to be happy, I mean.”

“She needs to be happy?” Connor scoffed, shaking his head. “She’s not the one who tried to kill themselves, Evan. She knows I’m a lost cause.” He shrugged, and Evan was surprised by his lack of emotion (other than offense). He couldn’t comprehend how the boy stated it as if it were simply facts, and didn’t care. Evan found himself getting upset over his relationship with his mom and her happiness constantly, despite how he felt himself. “I didn’t.. I wasn’t saying that like, you shouldn’t be happy. B-because you should! But- Um, nevermind.” He cleared his throat slightly, shaking his head. Connor rolled his eyes. “Whatever.”  
They sat in (an uncomfortable) silence for a while, Connor starring while Evan looked at the end of his shirt, before the boy sat up more in his bed. “She’s fucking obsessed with you now.” Evan frowned slightly, scrunching his nose. “She’s what?” “She like, swears you’re the fucking, Messiah or something. It’s weird. And your problem, not mine.” He nodded, slowly looking up at Connor. “Y-yeah.. Okay. Got it.” Connor was mostly joking, but he decided to not even bother explaining. They both nodded, and then things were silent again for a little bit. “So, um.. You’re leaving?”

Connor shrugged, looking down at himself. He still had the gown on and the IV in his arm, though he was told a nurse would come soon to get him ready to go. Probably Evan’s mom, with his luck. “I guess. This place isn’t anything special, but I’d rather be here than home.” He shrugged yet again. “Mm? W-why’s that?” They made eye contact again, before Evan looked away, at the floor. He figured it was better than before, when Evan refused to even have a chance at them locking eyes. “You met my mom. Zoe’s.. Zoe. Fuck Larry, dude.” The other boy laughed quietly, shutting it down fairly quickly. What if it was meant to be like, a totally, for real, 100% serious moment? And Evan was being an insensitive asshole? He wasn’t good at telling what Connor was feeling, but ‘fuck Larry’ didn’t sound like a statement with different connotations. “Your mom’s, um, nice. Just, um..” “Overbearing?” Evan nodded. “Yeah.. Mine, too, though.”

“How the fuck is your mom ‘overbearing’ when she’s always here? Mostly up my ass, by the way.” Connor figured that wasn’t a good thing to bring up, watching Evan shift his weight back and forth, from one leg to the other. “What’s your dad do?” Changing the subject was easier than apologizing. And a lot less embarrassing. “Um. I don’t- don’t know? Probably something, totally like, stupid, and unnecessary.” Connor raised an eyebrow, and Evan sighed slightly when he glanced over at him. “Yeah, okay, that sounds stupid but, um, he left when I was little? I don’t talk to him. Like, ever.. I don’t want to anyway.”

“Jesus. If I knew it was that easy, I would’ve quiet talking to him years ago.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sorry if this is gross? i wrote like a few paragraphs everyday bc i lost my big writing mood and got kind of emo. but im here. maybe just weekly updates. i dont know. whatever i can get done will be posted !! thank u for reading! pls comment any suggestions or feedback !! ♥♥


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